Dooped

In this life we meet people. They come and they go. Some of them are real and most of them are fake. 

They fake it real good that they had you going. Then there will be moments where in you will see things clearly. In a snap you wake up from the uncertainty. 

Yeah, they fooled you. You got dooped because you got things they wish they had. 

When you find it out. It's okay to cry. After that hold your head up high, blink away the tears and kiss them goodbye. 

Open Letter to my Friends

I don’t know where to start. I guess I have to start by saying I am sorry. I am really sorry.  I am sorry for the fact that it came to the point where in you have to meddle with what is happening to my personal life. I am sorry because I am so immature and I made decisions on impulse. Now, what was I thinking? I thought that leaving would make a big difference in my life, but it will only escalate all my problems. I am sorry for the things that I have done and for the things I have to do in order for me to be okay.

To be honest, for the last weeks I didn’t know where I stand. I didn’t understand myself. I was lost. Then I have realized that you have to be lost in order to find yourself again. You have to be broken so that you could create a better you.

This whole process, it helped me figure out the person that I was and the person that I am going to be. I thought I was strong but now I know I was wrong. I was hurt. I am still hurt but not in a way that the pain destroys me. It inspired me to be a better person and that’s the person that I am going to be. Slowly but surely. I will get there.

I know that I owe you a lot of explanations for my flaws but it doesn’t mean that I am justifying my mistakes. I have to make progress not excuses for my shortcomings. I am growing professionally and personally. I am learning from my mistakes.

This was the first time that it happened to me. It was hard but what was harder is losing myself in the process.

For a moment there, I have doubted myself. It made me feel less. That feeling made me want to leave. I have to get away from the hurt and the pain. I thought that staying would make me relive the horror each and everyday . I have to leave not because I am selfish but because it is necessary. I have to protect myself everyday.  As every mental picture replays every day in my mind, it made me feel numb and it made me used to the pain. It made me stronger than what I really am.

I have to stand up. I have to pick myself up. I don’t care how hard it is. I don’t care if I am going to be disappointed but I am not going to let this get the best of me.

There are people in my life that I made a priority. They even come before me. In return, they just walked away. You might not know this about me but if something happens to my friends I'd go out of my way just to make sure that they are okay. I don't know if this whole thing is just friendship or relationship but  when it ended it hurts like hell. You know what hurts more? It's when people walked out of your life and leave you there hanging. Seems like nobody had the decency to say goodbye nowadays.

I have learned the value of experience. Although I haven't seen things clearly. I am forever thankful for the things I never imagined I could be. If it wasn't for the liars, I wouldn't  know the qualities of a trustworthy person. If it wasn't for the pain, I wouldn't know the value of peace. If it wasn't for the good things falling apart, I wouldn't know what is needed to build the foundation of something great. I have learned the hard way the power of acceptance thru my disappointment. For every letdown has left me in a position to grow and I am wiser because of it all. I now had the courage to stay open and that has only made me better.

For all those things, I still want to thank you.

I promise to stay because now I know that it is where I belong. It is a part of me.

xo

It's About Time

Taking that Leap of Faith

One of the hardest decision in life is LETTING GO. Whether it's anger, guilt, love, loss or betrayal. Change is never easy. We fight to hold on and we fight to let go. There is no reset button in life. You can't take anything back and you can't undo anything. All of your actions had consequence and the things you say and do today will have a lasting impact on the rest of your life. You have to understand that and you have to be aware of it while making decisions. Trust your intuition. You don't need to explain or justify your feelings to anyone. At times you have to defy logic. Your decisions don't have to make sense. Making a big life change is SCARY. but you know what's Scarier? REGRETS.

Taking that leap of FAITH!

To be Honest

This is how I feel right now. I don't know why but every time I am sick, I just feel like this.

National Mourning Day

Today, we mourn for the loss of 44 heroes who died in Maguindanao. I am deeply saddened by the news. My prayers and thoughts are with the families and loved ones of these brave men. 

Self Expression

Self expression is very important. It allows us to channel our inner feelings to people we want to heard upon. There are those people who express themselves physically like crying or laughing.

I also know people who express themselves through painting or drawing.

Some people express  through Singing and dancing.

And I express myself through writing.


No matter the medium. I personally believe that we have the right to express ourselves. Sometimes we woke up and realize that the world in front of us is nothing but a masquerade. No matter how we flash some bright lights ahead of us we still can't see the signs.

It's very important to look at ourselves and stand on our feet and stand our ground. Be you. DO YOU!

One True Love

I believe in the saying that we all have that one person whom we will love for the rest of our lives.  I met mine last December 10, 2011. It started out as a joke and ended up as the biggest farce of my life. In between those jokes, he made me happy. He made me feel so special. He made me feel alive. There was something about him that I just can't resist. 

I know his role in my life is already over. We lived our seperate ways for a year and a half. No call no show. No nothing. I have dated other people. Experienced new things. Been happier than ever. Or so I thought. 

I saw him, for the first time in a long time last weekend. Ohh, he is so ravishing. There's something in me that only him can ignite. Just like that and my walls came tumbling done. I don't know how a simple smile could bring me down on my knees. 

I just realized that he is my one true love. That one true love I wish I could have. I just hope one day, in time, I could fully moved on! Just not today!

Have you ever had your one true love? Feel free to tell me your story!

while you are at it don't forget to like my facebook page, follow me on Twitter, and Instagram

Pre-Valentine Dramz: Remix

It felt like 2010 all over again, where I felt like shyet. Come on what did I miss the last time? How did I let someone treat me like this again. I thought we are friends.

I know we are over before this all happened but grrrrr. I guess I wasn't really over you. So here I am feeling mopey and miserable on the corner. I felt like a total loser for even posting this.

So this is my happily never after. A love I kept inside of me for so long. I know I deserve this for never learning anything from the past. I deserve every teardrop that falls tonight coz tomorrow I know I'll be alright and things will turn out right.

Fakers Gonna Fake, Haters Gonna Hate

There was this girl I thought I knew so well, I didn't just consider her as a sister coz for me, she is my sister from another mother. She was this someone I could tell anything, all those crazy things in my head. If I had problems about boys and all my toys she was the person to go to. No matter what time of day it is I know that home is where she's at. I've known her all my life.. Well I thought I knew her so well.

Last Saturday, I asked her why she disinvited me to one of our childhood friend's birthday bash that she organized. Turned out, She intentionally disinvited me coz someone I don't talk to was there. WTF is that. So I text her that I was disappointed with what she did and posted on her facebook wall.

Well, common reaction by offenders, they turn things around made it about me and my big attitude. It was way too far out of topic, but then it all made sense to me.

Her friends never really had problems with me. It was her, she just can't handle me. I'm too much fun for her boring monochromatic life. She used to be everything, now she's just plain boring.

She told me that facebook is my only friend left. Just wanna let her know that its quiet true, but she should know too that my friends no longer lives in the Philippines and that I am the only one left here in the country. I just hope that next time before she run your mouth and talk, she should know the facts. She's a professional as what SHE claimed to be. Professionals don't jump into conclusions.

Yes I am immature and I could be really annoying but that's only to the people I am really comfortable with. Guess I had it all mixed up and I'm sorry. I'm sorry I got really comfortable with her. She had me thinking that with her I could be nobody but me. Believe me when I say that SHE'S  really good at it. I never saw it coming. I was WRONG, REALLY WRONG.

SHE stand so tall like she had won some kind of war but really I have never seen someone fall so short. Maybe SHE should just try harder. SHE asked me what is wrong with me. SHE know me too well that what ever happens to me, I'm gonna post it on my friend facebook. Please don't make this all about me. This is about HER. I hope that before goes out of the house, she read again all the text that she sent to me and see the person that she is becoming coz you know what, SHE could be worst than me. Cherios!!!

No More Shine for SUNSHINE

I've told y'all how I liked this guy we call SUNSHINE, well Sunshine got scared. Actually I kinda push him away. I had this way of pushing people out of my life. There was nothing wrong with Sunshine. I like the fact that he treats me like a lady but he wants this thing on the down low. I can't keep things on the down low. So I made ways for him to walk away. No more buzzing on my FB chatbox. No more ringing on my phone. NO MORE SUNSHINE.

Okay no need to worry. This is part of the cycle. That mean and vicious cycle. I will find another sunshine. By that time He will be ready. I will be ready for everything and nothing can get in the way to what I'm feeling.

BUT FOR NOW, ALL I WANNA DO IS KILL THE EMOTIONS AND F*CK THIS CRAZY FEELING.

Nicki Minaj- Marilyn Monroe

Sometimes when I can't express myself, I look for a song that can.

Hope you liked it like I do.

All Smile

Just shake off every problems you had and lead a happy life. At some point you have to let go of people in your life. No matter how hard you try, some people doesn't wanna be in your life. You just have to be happy and contented with what you have in your plate.

New Beginnings

I had moments when people hurt me so bad and then on top of that, they just pretend like nothing ever happened. Like I never really came and walked into their lives. I know it's lame but this is what I'm feeling right now.

I always make it a point, no matter how busy my life gets, to make time for people that are very important to me. Is it wrong to care for someone so much that you lost yourself in the process? Does everything happened for a reason, or do we have reasons for everything that happened?

I am very disappointed with myself. Sometimes I just feel like I am a "SHRINK" and everyone who came to me is my "NUTCASE". Once they are back on track again, they just  leave me with no apparent reason. It's always like this. Same case over and over again. Maybe because I trust people so quickly. I am so quick to label them as "MY FRIENDS" when in fact I barely even know them.

I know everything happens for a reason, people come and go. I am just happy that there are those people who came into my life, never said anything, no false promises and yet they never left me. They never give up on my no matter what bullshit I have. And I've been counting them, I just happen to have 15.

So I'm putting my walls back up. Bringing back my reigns of control. Taking my life back to where it was before. Bringing my B*tch face back. The next time someone came in to me. I wont be easy!.

Speak

Lonely OLD FAG

I wish people would just learn how to say no instead of avoiding giving an answer. I can deal with disappointment, I can't deal with bullshit.

My Thoughts on Rumors and Gossip

Just recently a lot of rumors had been spreading in my circle about something. I am not writing this post to clarify things coz nothing that I will say will change your mind. Seems to me that you know me better than I do.

In my 20 years of existence I've come around issues like this. I've come to know that people will judge you negatively and will talk about you no matter you do bad or good. If you are really concerned about me come talk to me, not talk about me, otherwise I'll be thinking that you are using me as your entertainment. Well I'm glad to be just that to you. I hope you felt better in your unhappy life.

I am so done with this, I've dealt with people who wants to bring me down but can't you see that I am still holding my ground. People like that are jealous and insecure. I must be something for you to feel that way.

I just wanna let people know that you just heard ONE SIDE OF THAT STORY. If you have heard the other, which is my side, then you can judge me.

People have an inclination to love, like, and believe those who are sweet, good-looking people but I don't have that. I have a rough, tough and I may speak in a tone higher than everyone but I don't use it to harass people, and with that I am often judged negatively. I always get that.

Come to think of it, It would be amazing and I'd be having a lot of fun if I actually did every single thing that people accused me of. Just snap your fingers and say "I need a life." before I do it. Hahahaha

A wise man once said to believe what you see, and none of what you hear. But in this town people believe in things that they've heard, and make up stories about what they didn't see.

They say people who gossip with you will gossip about you to other people. This is not entirely true because my friends wont do this to me. Maybe your friends was never true to you right from the start.

People claimed to lead a busy life but they always take the time out of their schedule to talk about me. My life must be important more than I think of.

One day KARMA will get to you. So GOODLUCK with that. AMEN!

Passion

Have you ever been to a point when you have to question someone's friendship? Well I have.

I just can't pretend to be okay when I am NOT!!! I don't want to hover on things that are not important. Don't want to spend my time wasted on people that are not real. I am mad. I am Angry. YES! I just had to let this all out.

Something went so wrong at work today. I just had to question someone's stand on this friendship. I know I'm sounding like I'm in a competition with his girl. But sorry to disappoint you, I know I'll loose that game. and this is totally another story.

I had asked some of my friends to scrub in the operating room today for we lack manpower in the hospital. And as if they were just staring at a blank page and as if they didn't hear me.. They still went creepin with some losers. I know It's none of my business but I asked them as a friend.. And that's whats eating me... It's not easy...

So i continued with my duties and dodge another bullet. I just couldnt take it. I was struggling all through out the entire procedure. I wish I could divide myself to be in two places at the same time. I did my best but I guess it wasn't enough. I just had to endure hurtful words that wasn't even supposed to be said. GRRRR

My mom told me that I rely on people too much that it would feel like the end of the world without them. I told her that were a team and who am I gonna rely on.. Sa ANIMALS??? Mom was right...

She also told me to be very strong to have an Iron heart.. coz in my line of work.. words will be said when people are stressed out.. I tried mom but maybe na lowbat today coz I was feeling like a total shipwrecked. I let down my guard and dropped my defenses. Im such a loser!! brrrr

Ok here's the MORAL of the Story.....
1. I've realized that Passion will run out once its filled with lust.
2. To never rely on someone too much.. I have my own two feet to stand on...

I'm a Person and You Just Can't Take It

The people in this picture were not included in this fight. I just posted the picture to show my pokerface.

Please take a seat every one coz I'm gonna take you to a FREAKSHOW that I'm on. A Circus that's getting no money. Grab a beer guys coz its about to get messy.

I have a friend thats bitting my ass lately. For 1, she wanted to be the center of attention. 2. She had this SUPERIORITY COMPLEX going on in her attitude.

Well Friend I've got a lot of things to say to you. You've been making a lot of stories with your lies. Making me the "Vendetha" of your life story. I used to ignore her before but I can't take it anymore. I am settling in the final score between us coz I can't take all the blame.

Guys Here's my side of the story.

1. You said that I was the one who spread all the rumors about you. Well hey! Look around you, I wasn't the only one who had eyes, ears and tongue to talk about you. If its any consolation to you, from what I've heard. Things we're juicy!

2. You said I was a Sucker to our CN, for you to be ousted in the workplace! Hell no.! I let people see and be an example through my actions. I may talk a lot just to make people laugh and not to put you down. You don't know me then for you to say that.

3. Now that its out there, you said that I'm bad and mean. Well I had to fight back and defend myself.

If you wanted to talk to me, I've been waiting for you ask me since last week. I know you'll be reading this I just want to say that.

If you wanted to start all over again and save the friendship. Try Harder. Forgive and Forget.

Forgive the sin and forget the sinner.. Get that!

Endings

This past few days I've been feeling so empty. Confused? Maybe, but something just don't feel right. It took me week of soul searching and a phase of mood disorder to realize on thing. The Fact that I had to move on. Get a real job and work my ass off. Find something new.

I also missed the old me. The outgoing, wont settle for a routinize life. The one who won't settle for anything less. The one whose not moody, bossy and happy go lucky. I miss the old me. BIG TIME.

Nostalgia

Just these past few days, I've been thinkin a lot.. I realized that I missed a lot of people.. they never really said farewell but suddenly we lost touch with each other.. I hate goodbyes coz I always cry silently..

Mama was right when she said  that "you dont know what cho got til its gone"


Way back then, we used to get ON every night. Used to do all funny silly things together.. and thats all there is.. all this things are way back then.. used to things....

Guess I Really Miss u guys....